One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?