“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
absolute chaos
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee