[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
How it started How it’s going
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside