*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
You Might Also Like
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.