I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM