*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
that’s really how it is
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌