ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.