Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I did not eat the cake…
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.