My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.