Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
U talkin 2 me?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Free him
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
OH. COME. ON.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal