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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”