[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m being attacked 😭
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey