…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.