“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You Might Also Like
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*cough*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend