Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
How high do the levels go?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99