My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…