superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.