[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.