Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.