snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement