I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
getting groceries
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.