I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
the composer
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”