When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Gemma Correll
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.