Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know