Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
when someone compliments me
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.