juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
What
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
How can I say no to this ?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
me and the Superbowl rn
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see