Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.