Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.