I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
These are too funny not to post 😂
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
is this a threat
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember