[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Finally!
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny