I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.