The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.