[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Don’t we all.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm