Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Every work meeting this week
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Super Hand Dog Face
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Adultry does not sound fun at all
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?