Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Battery falling down a hole
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
In case you needed to hear it:
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
just pretend nothing happened
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.