*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN