didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Great Canadian literature.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison