CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
asked my bf how work was today
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
LA today:
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.