Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
How it started: How it’s going:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done