You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My blood type is coffee.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.