There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.