if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The Assassin.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
How about daylight saves us for once