Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*