Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*