[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics