A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
You Might Also Like
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.