Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir