Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”