Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Oh my God.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.