Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Meeeee too!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.